| You are in a large white room. There are no exits. |
| > EAST |
| You move from the center of the room to the east wall. |
| > Jump |
| You jump. Nothing happens. |
| > Retrieve arms from safe |
| There is no safe in the white room. You have all of your arms. |
| > Pray to C'thulu |
| You kneel down and pray to the betentacled one. Nothing happens. |
| > Inspect east wall |
| The east wall is made of some sort of metal and is perfectly flat. You wouldn't be able to climb it, that's for sure. |
| > inspect inventory |
| Your inventory contains 1 small coin, 1 blue marble, a beating human heart and a train ticket. |
| > Headbutt wall |
| You attempt to headbutt the wall, but the little hair you had disintegrates before your face touches the wall. You wisely choose to not pursue this manner of investigation further. |
| > Listen to the heart |
| You listen to the beating heart in your inventory. BA-DUMP. BA-DUMP. BA-DUMP. It seems to be maintaining a healthy rhythm, despite not being hooked up to anything. |
| > GO INSANE |
| You are already insane. Going insane at this point would achieve very little. |
| > Run through wall |
| This does not seem like a good idea to you, even in your weakened mental state. |
| Besides, you're still on your knees. |
| > LISTEN TO YOUR LUNGS WORKING |
| You listen to your lungs working. It's quite entrancing, actually. |
| > LOOK CEILING |
| You look at the ceiling. As far as you can tell, it's identical to the walls. |
| > Examine the train ticket |
| You examine the train ticket, which is for one adult from Croydon to the planet Pluto. |
| > Stand up |
| You stand up. |
| > Look for something to build a fort with |
| The only things in the large white room are you and the contents of your inventory (1 small coin, 1 blue marble, a beating human heart and a train ticket). |
| > Swallow marble |
| You swallow the marble and choke on it. You pass out. |
| AN INDETERMINATE AMOUNT OF TIME PASSES |
| You wake up. The marble has disappeared. |
| > CRY |
| You cry. Your tears are the same shade of blue the marble was. |
| > TRY TO SEE WHAT'S IN THE ROOM WITH YOUR MIND'S EYE |
| You have no need for anything that magical, you can see with your regular eyes. There is nothing in the room but you and your things. |
| > BREAK THE SPACE-TIME CONTINUUM TO MAKE AN EXIT |
| You are an unfortunate prisoner with a tendency to cry and swallow things you shouldn't, not a wizard. |
| > TRY TO REMEMBER IF YOU HAVE EVER BEEN TO CROYDON |
| You have very fond, but distant, memories of the greatest summer of your life having occured in Croydon. However unlikely that may seem, you know it to be true. Ahh, if only you could go back to 1927 and live through those months all over again... |
| > LOOKS AT YOUR HANDS AND ARMS |
| You look at your hands and arms. They are uncovered by fabric and are slightly hairy. You are missing your left pinky finger. |
| > WONDER HOW CAN TEARS BE BLUE |
| You don't know, but it must be something to do with swallowing that marble. |
| > DO A HANDSTAND |
| Though the idea seems unappealing (you've been slightly unstable in vertically odd positions since losing your finger) you stand upside down anyway. The pressure on your hand is too much, though, and you fall over rather immediately. |
| > Realize you're hungry |
| You realize you're hungry. Maybe you should've saved that marble for later. |
| > WONDER AND ASK OUT LOUD "WHAT WAS THAT MARBLE AFTER ALL?" |
| You're quite sure it was a marble and that you shouldn't-a swallowed it. The walls shake slightly, though, upon your speaking. |
| > EXAMINE SHAKY WALLS |
| The walls have stopped shaking and appear just as before-- Wait a second. Have they-- They've moved closer to you! |
| > LISTEN FOR SOUNDS IN ROOM. |
| You listen closely, but the only things you hear are the heart in your inventory and the heart in your chest. |
| > BECOME MOBY DICK |
| You briefly turn into a white sperm whale of tremendous size and ferocity, but turn back into your regular shape before you can do anything with your new-found whale-ness. |
| > ASCEND TO GODHOOD |
| Nice try, smartass. |
| > BECOME MOBY DICK |
| You briefly turn into a white sperm whale of tremendous size and ferocity, but turn back into your regular shape before you can do anything with your new-found whale-ness. |
| > LOOK FOR A DOOR |
| There are no exits. |
| > BECOME CAPTAIN AHAB |
| You turn into a tall, imposing figure, whose face is covered by a rather striking and exquisite beard. Despite your beardedness, you were never able to grow a moustache, thus disappointing your father immensely. You are wearing a long leather coat and all the other sorts of things the captain of a boat would wear. Your inventory is gone now. |
| > REGENERATE INTO A BULLDOZER |
| This seems impractical. |
| > REGURGITATE THE MARBLE |
| There is no marble to regurgitate or otherwise eject from your body. |
| > REGURGITATE THE MARBLE |
| You can not. |
| > EXAMINE THE COIN |
| It shames you beyond description, but you lost the coin, along with the rest of your inventory, when you turned into Captain Ahab. |
| > REMOVE CLOTHING |
| You remove all your clothing, leaving you standing buck-naked in what you now realize to be quite a cold room. |
| > REMOVE CLOTHING |
| Using your last magical power (your MAGIKS is now 0/5) you manage to light your clothes on fire. They eventually burn to ashes. |
| > REMOVE CLOTHING |
| You kick the ashes of your wardrobe around the room until they are so finely spread that you wouldn't there was any. |
| > REMOVE CLOTHING |
| Will do. REMOVING ALL INFORMATION IN DATABASE REGARDING CLOTHING... |
| *ding* Information removed. |
| > REMOVE CLOTHING |
| Remove clo.. what's that? I do not know this 'clothing' of which you speak. |
| > DANCE WHILE YOU TRY TO THINK OF SOMETHING TO DO |
| You move your body around the room rather vibrantly, but think of.. nothing but the desire to escape. I think I'm glad this is text-based, to be honest, now. |
| > CLOTHE SELF AND EXAMINE YOUR MIND |
| You want to do what with yourself? |
| You examine your mind and compare it to a box of Lost and Found items. There's the occasional thought and memory, but there's little of value. Perhaps you'll regain some sanity upon escaping this wretched room. |
| > SCRATCH HEAD |
| You scratch your head, finding it covered in exquisite black locks of hair, which are just a delight to scratch around in. Ahh.. HAPPINESS +1 |
| > EXAMINE FINGERNAILS |
| You examine your dirty, grubby, disgusting fingernails. They're so yellow, you wouldn't surprised if they were 90% earwax and snot, at this point. You-- hold on. You seem to have regrown your missing finger upon turning into Captain Ahab! Oh glorious day! |
| > FALL TO KNEES LAUGHING INSANELY |
| You fall to your knees and laugh like the maniac you are. Why, exactly, you're laughing you don't know either, because you've not escaped from the room yet and you don't recall having murdered that dastardly Moby Dick yet either. You suppose it's because you're insane. |
| > BEGIN DOING PUSH-UPS |
| You crouch down on the floor and begin to do some push-ups but really, you're growing old and honestly, nobody wants to see you move around like that. You sit down instead. |
| > EXAMINE THE FLOOR |
| The floor is exactly the same as the walls, except it doesn't seem lethal to touch it. |
| > EXAMINE THE CEILING |
| The ceiling is exactly the same as the walls, except it doesn't seem lethal to touch it. |
| > LOOK AROUND TO FIND A GRUE |
| The large white room is impeccably well lit and is too bright for grues. Don't blink, though. |
| > BLINK |
| You blink. For a moment, you imagine a tall stone statue is in front of you, its' clawed fingers stretched out, ready to attack you, but it's just a hallucination. You're clearly not very well. |
| > DO THE LOCOMOTION |
| You "do the locomotion", even though I have no idea what that means. |
| > SIT DOWN AND PONDER |
| You sit down and ponder the meaning of it all. Nothing really comes to you. |
| > LOOK FOR A HARPOON |
| I would like to emphasise that the large empty white room you are in.. is EMPTY. There is only you and the room. And your exquisite black locks. |
| > UNLOCK THE LOCKS |
| Huh? What locks? |
| > ADMIRE MY BLACK LOCKS |
| You admire the blonde locks on your head. These are golden, blonde locks of hair that you shouldn't stick a key in. These blonde locks are exquisite and delightful and one of the prides of your-- Wait. Weren't they black just a second ago? |
| > WONDER WHY THEY SUDDENLY CHANGED COLOURS |
| What are you on about? The black locks covering your pretty face have always been black. Hair just turning blonde would be impossible, surely. |
| > HUMP WALL |
| You get close to the wall and as you touch it, before you even get close to humping it, you disintegrate. |
| Moron. |
| > WAIT WHAT? |
| You should've listened when I told you touching the wall would disintegrate you. |
| > WAIT 3 DAYS AND RESURRECT |
| What do you think this is, the Bible? |
| > TRY AND RE-INTEGRATE INTO REALITY |
| You wouldn't have been in this situation if you hadn't SWALLOWED THE GODDAMN MARBLE. |
| > Yes? |
| Nope, this is 'White Room.', a story with gritty realism at it's heart. That is, if you manage to get out of here-- Oh, that's right, YOU'VE DISINTEGRATED. |
| > CHOCOLATE MYSELF |
| There is neither chocolate nor yourself to do that with. |
| > COME TO THE CONCLUSION THAT YOU HAVE NO BODY BUT STILL SEEM TO HAVE A CONCIOUSNESS |
| Good point. |
| > WONDER HOW CAN I THINK IF I DON'T EVEN EXIST |
| You just did. |
| > DESPAIR |
| There seems little else to do, so you despair. |
| > ASCEND TO GODHOOD AS A NONCORPOREAL BEING |
| No such thing as gods. |
| > SINCE I AM A BEING OF CONCIOUSNESS, LEAVE THE ROOM |
| The objective is to get out. Alive. |
| ... |
| A bearded man appears in the room. He is carrying a large wand. |
| > CAST THUNDAGA |
| Silly conciousness, you can't cast anything, let alone a spell copyrighted by Square-Enix. |
| > GATHER TOGETHER THE DUSTY REMAINS OF YOUR CORPSE AND REINHABITE IT |
| What physical shape were you planning on doing this with? |
| > A HUMAN. WITH FOUR ARMS. AND THREE LEGS. |
| There is only one, two-armed, four-legged human in the room, whom is not you. |
| > BE THE OTHER GUY |
| You are now Dave the Wizard. |
| > Wizard the hell out of the locks |
| What locks? All of Captain Ahab, including his exquisite hair, was disintegrated. |
| > CHOCOLATE? |
| Still no chocolate. |
| > Now that you are Dave the Wizard, magik yourself a moustache. |
| You raise your wand and your mouth excretes "MOUSTACHE!". Your face now sports a dashing moustache. On Sundays, you enchant it to be shaped like whimsical things, like a wind mill. |
| > Do the locomotion |
| You do the locomotion. |
| > MAGIK YOURSELF OUT OF THE ROOM |
| That would be cheating. |
| > BREAK THE SPACE-TIME CONTINUUM TO MAKE AN EXIT NOW THAT YOU ARE DAVE THE WIZARD |
| Stop trying to cheat or I'll disintegrate you, too! |
| > DO THE TIMEWARP |
| You do the timewarp and vanish. You reappear hundreds of years before you vanished. The room looks exactly the same. |
| > OPEN A PORTAL TO THE OUTSIDE |
| You open a portal, but can't see where it leads to. |
| > SEND A MESSAGE TO THE DOCTOR'S PSYCHIC PAPER, BEGGING FOR RESCUE |
| The only doctor you know is the one who put your toes back on after you wizared them off while trying to get a potato to dance and you're sure he doesn't have any fortune-telling paper. |
| > Go through the portal |
| You close your eyes, take a deep breath and step through the portal. When you get out at the other end, you realise you're in an identical white room to the one you just got out of. The portal closes behind you. |
| > DEFY GRAVITY |
| You jump but forget to land. |
| > TRY TO REMEMBER WHICH LITERARY CHARACTER DID THIS. EVENTUALLY REALISE AND TRY TO FIGURE OUT HOW IMPROBABLE THIS IS |
| No, no, no. Arthur Dent didn't forget to land he missed the ground. Big difference. Now stop thinking about it or you'll fall and break something. |
| > FLOAT |
| You float. This is quite nice, really. |
| > HAVE MOMENT OF EXISTENTIALISM. DO I REALLY EXIST? |
| You have moods like this, occasionally. You wonder if you actually exist and conclude that.. no. You probably don't. You're probably just being paranoid, though. |
| > CONCLUDE THAT IF I DON'T EXIST, NEITHER DOES THE ROOM. CLOSE EYES AND HOPE FOR PINK |
| You close your eyes and hope for pink. When you open them again, the room is a disgustingly bright pink. Now you wish you hadn't. |
| > WISH FOR A SEA SCENE |
| You wish for a sea scene, but nothing happens. Good thing, too. You hate the sea, ever since... You'd rather not think about it. |
| > Talk to the wall |
| You have an exciting conversation with the wall. Subjects include the morality of the death sentence, the rising influence of pens over the month Novembruary and the recent rediscovery of the Name of Things. |
| A DRAGON APPEARS. |
| What do you do? |
| > Talk to the Dragon |
| You utter some words of greeting, but the Dragon doesn't seem to understand you. |